TA Banner

September 2014




Moving to Acceptance

"Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings."

… Artur Rubinstein (1887-1982) Polish-US virtuoso pianist 

After our last article on resentment, a number of you wrote to me asking me to follow this up with some thoughts on acceptance, so here goes.Visit The Hub

Before we speak about how we can move to acceptance, it can be useful to differentiate between acceptance and tolerance.

Many people say that we should be more tolerant in life in the context of not being resentful or prejudiced about others. When we tolerate something, we do not let our feelings go, as we would with acceptance, rather we put up with those feelings and simply endure them. Being tolerant leaves us directing energy towards something or someone in a way that is resistant. As such, we are not moving past our resentment but burying it and then using energy to keep a lid on it.

Acceptance does not mean that we have to like what has happened to us in life but it does mean that we accept we cannot change that it has happened. It also means that we can let something go and no longer feel the need to pay it attention and put energy into it. A mood of acceptance allows us to move forward in life and direct our energy in a positive way into the future. So how do we create acceptance?

Unfortunately there is no simple way to do this where one size fits all. However here are some strategies that can be applied individually or in combination.

1. Declare the past complete. In order to move out of resentment, we must first wish to do so. This may seem obvious but it is critical. Many people who are in resentment are unaware of an alternative. They feel justified in their feelings even though they cause them pain for resentment gives them a target to deal with what they think is the source of their pain. Wishing to find a new emotional space is a critical first step. One way of committing to a different future is to declare the past complete. To commit to the idea that I will not let the past rule my future any more. As with any declaration, it is best made in a powerful way to others to allow for the supporting context of a witness.

2. Close the relationship. If a mood of resentment is associated with another person then we can choose to end the relationship as a means of closing the past. Depending upon the nature of the relationship, this can prove quite challenging, particularly if the other person does not wish to do so. Closing a relationship can also lead to impacts on other relationships that will have to be dealt with in some way. If the other person has passed away, then it may be necessary to employ a strategy to find a way to close the relationship such as writing a letter or some form of ritual.

3. Declare forgiveness. Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." When we forgive another, we do not have to condone what has happened, but we are declaring a desire to move into a new stage of a relationship.

4. Use promises to create a new way of relating. One of the major casualties of resentment is trust. If we choose to stay in a relationship where we have felt resentment then it is important to seek to rebuild that trust. One way of doing this is to seek commitments to a new way of relating. Given that trust has probably been quite diminished, it can be useful to see this as a step by step process starting with small commitments as a demonstration of a genuine desire to rebuild the relationship.

5. Ground our assessments. Our resentment is always born of an assessment we have made about damage done and who did it. Sometimes those assessments are not very valid or well-grounded in fact. The process of grounding assessments involves a number of steps:

  • Determining why this is important to one's future;
  • Establishing the extent in the domains of life to which the assessment applies;
  • Working out whose and what standards are being used to make this assessment and whether they are shared by the others;
  • Seeing what evidence one can find to support the assessment but also what evidence might contradict it.

Dealing with resentment is a topic that could be the basis of an extensive book and so we have simply skimmed the surface here with a few ideas. The mood of resentment is one of our most pervasive moods and its manifestations are there for us to see every day in those who feel and just live with the pain of a perceived slight through to those who will take the lives of others to take their revenge. It exists in all human societies and left unchecked can cause great damage.

I invite you to look at your own level of resentment and those around you and see if you can develop better approaches to dealing with resentment before it blossoms into full blown hate.

We invite you to explore more in the articles section of our web site.


Play Create Elevate

Some thoughts from Jacqui Chaplin

"Live, let live, and help live"

... Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) US philosopher, poet and essayist

Networks of Support Back In The News!

Recently I was driving to Castlemaine to present my radio program when my car decided to blow a hose as I was leaving the Calder Freeway. I managed to limp along 400 metres of the Pyrenees Highway before all systems shut down.  I got the car, whose power steering system had shut down along with the engine, 30 centimetres off the main carriageway.

Once upon a time this might have caused me hassle, distress, and drama of epic proportions. For me, it was a timely reminder and a great example of the power of the resilience strategies I talk about on the But I Feel Good radio show and teach in corporate settings. The key strategy here is: the value and importance of having solid and broad “Networks of Support”.

Once out of the car, phone in hand, I knew I had to make my way to Castlemaine. I also knew I could not walk the distance in the time I had available.

What I did have available were a half a dozen plus people in and around Castlemaine who I could call on. And more importantly that I also knew it was OK to ask for their help. One was on their way to Melbourne. Another didn’t have a licence. The next was already in Melbourne and the fourth’s phone sounded the international dial tone so I hung up. I am pretty sure they weren’t going to get me to the station on time from Venice! The fifth person, bless her environmentally sustainable cotton socks, said "Yes".

No sooner had I ended the call when a car with an older couple pulled up behind my car and asked if I needed help. Upon checking that their destination was Castlemaine, I requested a lift to the Castlemaine Gaol, where the radio station is located. They were more than happy to oblige. I cancelled my environmentally sustainable cotton socks’ lift with many thanks and made it to the station on time.

There’s a whole other story about the kindness of strangers based on the same experience that will have to wait till next month!

My invitation to you is threefold…

Take a good look at your own network of support…
Is it broad and deep and diverse enough to be able to support you in everything from a car breakdown through to a mind health or emotional breakdown?

Take a listen to the “Networks of Support” Live On Demand Episode
on the “But I Feel Good” Live On Demand page at http://jacquichaplin.com/bifgondemand31to35 

Reflect on your willingness to ask for help.
There’s a great saying by Julio Olalla that says, “Show me a person who is suffering and I’ll show you a person who is not making enough requests.” Are you willing to ask for help when you need it? What gets in the way?

Play Create Elevate also offer your organisation the opportunity to hear first-hand, from a lived experience perspective about the signs and symptoms of mood disorders, how to give and get help and how to build and sustain resilience. PwC have recently released a report that says for every dollar spent in creating mentally healthy workplaces that an ROI of at least $2.30 is possible… what are you waiting for?  It’s time to speak openly and comfortably about mind health matters!

What can you do to get better educated on the topic? Dr Google is there or you can skype me at jacquelynchaplin, ring me on 0412 741 531 or email jacqui@jacquichaplin.com me and invite me for a cup of coffee and I’ll tell you more!

We invite you to read Jacqui's blog here

You can visit the Play Create Elevate website here

More on PCE next month!

Hey, did you know?

"But I Feel Good" Radio Show

Radio Show

Did you know that since November 2013, Jacqui has been hosting a weekly radio show called ‘But I Feel Good’ …talking about pink elephants and black dogs.

The show is dedicated to speaking openly and comfortably about the ‘black dog’ of mood disorders from a lived experience perspective and the ‘pink elephant’ strategies and practices that build emotional resilience and inner fortitude.

It covers a range of topics related to mind health and plays a great mix of music in between interviews with subject matter experts and related content.

The show goes live to air, streaming on www.MAINfm.net so it can be heard AROUND THE WORLD every Monday from 1-3pm AET. Its official broadcast base is 94.9 MAIN FM which extends across the Mt Alexander Shire in Victoria on the wireless.

On demand episodes are also available at www.jacquichaplin.com.

The Monthly Diversion

Someone mentioned to me the other day that one of the major stores was already setting up their Christmas displays so in honour of that soon to be impending holiday, here are some jokes that would feel right at home in a Christmas bonbon!

Parallel lines have so much in common. Pity they will never meet!

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor!

What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you? A pool table.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

Want to hear a word I just made up? It's a good one - "Plagiarism."

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday. Aye Matey.

I took the shell off my racing snail hoping he would go faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall have eternal life." But he came fifth and won a toaster.

Someone stole my mood ring. I am not sure how I feel about that.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.


"If you spend your life looking behind you You don't see what's up front ..."

… From the song, "Was there anything I could do?" by The Go-Betweens

Join Us Online

LinkedInDo you want to explore some of these ideas in more depth? Then, we invite you to join our LinkedIn Group and share any insights you may have. As others have done, we also initiate your own thoughts and conversations if they relate to the ontological approach. You can find us on LinkedIn by clicking here.

Want to Read More?

Since the formation of Talking About in 2005, we have published our e-zine every month. Before that, Chris wrote regular newsletters and e-zines with Gaia Consulting dating back to 1995. If you would like to explore more of Chris' ideas then you can access our e-zine archive and view any newsletter written since 2005 by clicking here or to look at all the articles Chris has written over the years simply click here.

Not Subscribed Yet?

If you do not yet receive our complimentary e-zine each month, getting it is easy. Simply click here and follow the prompts! We look forward to sharing with you regularly.

If you wish to unsubscribe, simply click the "Unsubscribe" link at the bottom of the e-mail that was sent to you.

Talking About Pty Ltd
PO Box 742, Brentford Square, Victoria 3131
Victoria, 8008.
Ph: +61 412 741 537

Copyright © 2014 Talking About Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.
Visit talkingabout.com.au | Contact us